COLD OPEN
We SMASH IN on the classic ‘80s family comedy National Lampoon’s Vacation. The Griswolds arrive at Walley World.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
In the ‘80s, Clark Griswold was the envy of every family. Each year, he would take his family on a vacation more exciting and unforgettable than the last. Our dad, on the other hand, didn’t leave his chair.
INT. DEN - DAY
Murray sits in his chair. Adam, Erica, and Barry watch the Griswolds slow-mo run through the Walley World parking lot.
BARRY
Aww, I so want that.
MURRAY
What’s so special about a theme park anyway?
ADAM
Are you kidding me? Walley World is only the best theme park ever.
MURRAY
It’s not even real!
ERICA
I would kill to be anywhere but this couch.
MURRAY
We are not buying a new couch.
ERICA
I’m talking about a vacation.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
Uh oh, my sister said the one cardinal word that gets our mom excited and makes our dad angry.
Beverly APPEARS beside Murray.
BEVERLY
Did I hear someone say vacation? Is it Hawaii? Paris? Jerusalem?
MURRAY
No, we’re not talking about that. Stop aggravating me!
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
Yep, with our dad, you were better off not asking for a vacation.
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. DEN - DAY
Erica holds up paperwork as Murray watches TV in his underpants.
ERICA
Habitat for Humanity is traveling to Cancun to build homes. I need you to sign these forms so I can go help them out.
MURRAY
Nice try, moron.
ERICA
You never let me do anything nice!
Erica storms off in a huff.
INT. DEN - MOMENTS LATER
Barry marches in with a boogie board, swim trunks, and a nose layered in sunscreen.
BARRY
I demand that you take me to the beach for some father-son surfing.
MURRAY
I demand you to stop being a moron.
BARRY
You’ve made a fair point.
Barry sulks off with his boogie board dragging behind him.
INT. DEN - MOMENTS LATER
Adam, dressed as Han Solo, rushes in with a flyer for a Star Wars convention.
ADAM
Big Guy, you’re my only hope.
MURRAY
Not gonna happen, moron.
Adam turns around mid-step.
BACK TO:
INT. ENTRYWAY - PRESENT DAY
Murray drops his pants. He’s in an unusually good mood.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
This year, we were determined to get a vacation from our dad.
Erica, Adam, and Barry surround Murray.
MURRAY
Okay, what’s going on?
BARRY
We want Walley World, and we won’t take no for an answer.
MURRAY
That stupid movie again?!
ADAM
Stupid? How can you call a family having an awesome vacation stupid?
Beverly APPEARS by the stairwell.
BEVERLY
Did I hear you say vacation? Barbados? Iceland? Russia?
MURRAY
Russia? Who wants to go to Russia?
BARRY
Give us a vacation. Give us a vacation. Give us a vacation.
MURRAY
Okay.
BARRY
Now. Now. Now.
MURRAY
Okay.
ERICA
See, I told you he would say no.
ADAM
Wait you guys, he said yes!
BARRY
Say it again. I don’t believe you.
MURRAY
You morons are getting a vacation. Are you happy?
Beverly breaks out into a long, awkwardly excited squeal.
EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY
The Goldbergs are crammed into the station wagon, much like the Griswolds in their Wagon Queen. Murray is pouring sweat.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
Before it became a hit reality show about spoiled tanned kids and club fights, it was a family getaway. That’s right, our dad was taking us to the beaches of Jersey Shore! Sure, it wasn’t Walley World, but it was a vacation.
Pops slams the trunk of the car and gets into the backseat.
POPS
Let’s get this show on the road.
ERICA
If we’re going to the beach, why couldn’t we go to Cancun?
MURRAY
Because Jersey is closer, and I hear it has better beaches.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
It doesn’t.
ADAM
If we’re the Griswolds. Dad is Clark, mom is Ellen, Erica is Audrey, and, obviously, I’m Rusty. Who does that make you?
BARRY
You can’t be Rusty. I__’m Rusty.
ADAM
No way. I have the blonde hair, the awkward voice, and the lanky body. I’m clearly Rusty.
BARRY
In your dreams.
Barry wrestles with Adam.
ERICA
Ew, get your sweaty bodies off me.
MURRAY
Knock it off. I’m not driving with you morons fighting in the back.
BEVERLY
(squeals)
I can’t believe we’re going on a freaking vacation!
Murray starts the car, it makes a CRANKING noise.
POPS
That doesn’t sound good.
The car HISSES and steam billows out of the hood.
MURRAY
Why! Why! Damn car is useless.
BEVERLY
Did you ignore the check engine light again?
MURRAY
It said check. Not fix. And why am I so moist! Gah!
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
And with that it was settled, the Goldbergs were forced to do what we did every summer, a staycation.
END COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
INT. ENTRYWAY - DAY
Murray drops his pants and bee-lines for his chair.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
Our vacation was off, and we were already at each other’s throats. While Jenkintown was witnessing record temperatures, no one was hotter than my dad.
INT. DEN - CONTINUOUS
MURRAY
Nobody bother me. My vacation is now the living room. Treat it like an island and leave me stranded. Don’t think about coming ashore.
ERICA
This sucks. Another staycation.
BARRY
The struggle is real. Now who will appreciate my toned slab of marble?
BEVERLY
As your mother, I promise to always appreciate your delicious body.
BARRY
(blushes)
Aw thanks.
(angry)
But no, gross!
BEVERLY
Why don’t we all come to the kitchen for some lemonade. Who wants homemade Kool-Aid pops?
ADAM
Alright! Can I help mix them?
BEVERLY
Of course schmoopy.
Beverly and Adam exit to the Kitchen.
MURRAY
Bev, can you turn down the AC? My boys are getting a heat stroke.
INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Adam pulls out the Kool-Aid mix. Beverly rummages around for the pop molds.
ADAM
I’m thinking we mix Berry Blast, with a touch of Watermelon. Get this party started.
BEVERLY
Darn it, the pop molds aren’t here.
ADAM
No, you promised!
BEVERLY
Don’t worry Kool-Adam, I lent them to Virginia.
ADAM
Oh great, the Kremps left for the Bahamas. Now I’ll have to wait.
BEVERLY
Don’t you worry. I’ll be right back with those molds. Meanwhile, turn down the thermostat for you father.
Adam turns down the thermostat. The AC CLANKS and RATTLES, then stops blowing air.
MURRAY (O.S.)
What have you done!
INT. KITCHEN - LATER
An ELECTRICIAN opens the thermostat while Murray sweats.
ELECTRICIAN
Yep, looks like the wire burnt out.
MURRAY
How many times have I said not to touch the thermostat?
ADAM
It’s not my fault. Mom told me to.
MURRAY
Don’t blame your mother for this.
The electrician begins packing up.
ELECTRICIAN
It’s no big deal. I’ll just order a new part and you’re all set.
MURRAY
Great. So we’ll be back up to freezing temps in no time.
ELECTRICIAN
Not quite. It’s Sunday and I can’t get the part here until Friday.
Murray hands him a wet twenty dollar bill.
MURRAY
How about today?
ELECTRICIAN
Sorry, no can do, but I promise once I get back from vacation I’ll install it.
MURRAY
Vacation?!
ELECTRICIAN
My family and I are going to Jersey Shore. I hear the beaches are more amazing than Cancun.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
They’re not.
ELECTRICIAN
I’ll see you when the part arrives.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
It was my father’s worst nightmare. That summer we were left without AC for an entire week.
INT. DEN - MOMENTS LATER
Five different fans point at Murray as he watches TV. Barry sweats profusely, Erica fans herself off, and Adam’s glasses are fogged up. Beverly is bone dry.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
As far as vacations go, this one was the pits.
MURRAY
How are you not sweating?
BEVERLY
A lady doesn’t sweat, she glows.
ERICA
I can’t take this anymore! It’s probably cooler outside.
Erica gets up and leaves.
BARRY
I’m starting to think there was no vacation all along.
MURRAY
Don’t be a moron.
BARRY
I think you got us all excited about the beach, packed up the car with a week’s worth of stuff, and then broke the car.
MURRAY
What purpose would that serve?
BARRY
I don’t know, you tell me.
MURRAY
Quit your complaining. Just be lucky you had a chance at a vacation. When I was a kid my dad--
ADAM
“Made me work all summer.”
MURRAY
And not only that--
BARRY
“I had to take care of my brother with the chicken pox.”
MURRAY
Yes, but I also-
ADAM
“Delivered newspapers for lunch money.” Yeah, we’ve kinda heard these stories before.
MURRAY
What, since when?
BARRY
Mom has her lawyer thing, you have your child labor thing. It’s okay, we get it.
MURRAY
The point remains that you kids got it easy. You two wanted a vacation, so go outside and stop bothering me. I banish you from my island.
(tries to get up)
Oh boy...
BEVERLY
Murray don’t get up. You’ll only overheat yourself.
MURRAY
Uh oh, I’m going down...
INT. DEN - MOMENTS LATER
Beverly brings Murray a bag of ice.
BEVERLY
This should help.
He takes the bag and places it on his crotch.
MURRAY
Ahhh, that’s nice.
Erica comes down the stairs in a revealing swimsuit. Beverly rushes to close the curtains.
BEVERLY
Where do you think you’re going looking like that, missy?
ERICA
Backyard. Might as well tan so it looks like I was on vacation.
BEVERLY
Fine. But cover up, we don’t need the neighborhood boys getting any wrong ideas.
Barry APPEARS on the den steps. Adam fans him.
BARRY
Snore. This staycation blows.
MURRAY
Then go outside with your moron sister, so I can’t hear you sweat.
Pops peaks around the corner and waves to Adam.
BARRY
Hey! Your turn to fan is not over.
EXT. BACKYARD - DAY - SAME TIME
Adam follows Pops. Barry tails behind. They pass Erica setting out a lawn chair.
ADAM
Pops, why are you tip-toeing? Do you have to pee again?
POPS
What, no. I don’t want your mother to hear us. I was going to surprise you when we got to Jersey.
Pops reveals a picnic table stacked with water balloons, various accessories, and ENTERTECH water guns.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
ENTERTECH! Before Super Soaker was a thing, Entertech ruled the water gun market. Realistic black matte finish. Automatic rifles that shot up to thirty feet at 60 RPM’s. Grenades. Shotguns. Every kid dreamed of owning an Entertech.
ADAM
Wow! Is that the Model F-15 that was taken off the market because it fractured a child’s wrist?
POPS
I was able to procure a couple.
BARRY
The M-60 Rambo rifle.
(hugging the rifle)
I always say you’re the best.
POPS
You do?
BARRY
But now I say you’re the greatest Pops a kid could ask for.
POPS
You do!
Adam digs deeper into the treasure.
ADAM
Woah! Original A-Team walkie talkie headphones!
POPS
(grabs a walkie talkie)
This is Sergeant Pops, over.
ADAM
Golden Falcon reporting in. Over.
BARRY
Nerrrrrrrrrds. Over.
ADAM
Shut up Barry.
Adam reaches in and grabs a Beretta M12.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
Maybe it was the heat talking. Maybe I was passionate about the A-Team. But what happened next, I never meant to happen. I swear!
Adam pulls the trigger. BURSTS of water shoot out and repeatedly BLAST Barry in the face.
BARRY
Hey, watch the money maker!
ADAM
(panics)
Pops, you didn’t say these were loaded!
POPS
What’s the point of having an unloaded gun?
Barry wipes his face. His eyes go from shocked to enraged.
BARRY
You are so dead!
ADAM
(squeals)
No!
Adam grabs ammunition and runs by Erica tanning.
ERICA
Watch where you’re going!
Barry calmly picks out his weapons. He turns around, pulls out a pair of sunglasses, and cooly puts them one.
BARRY
Let the battle begin.
POPS
Woah, I thought you were Sylvester Stalone there for a second. Badass!
BARRY
Dangit, let me have this moment!
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
EXT. BACKYARD - DAY
Barry wears a red bandana, and his face is painted in camo. He crawls under Erica’s lawn chair as she reads “Seventeen.”
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
The battle between me and my brother was heating up so much that Barry went full Rambo.
BARRY
Bambo is in position.
ERICA
What do you think you’re doing?
BARRY
He drew first water. He drew first water.
ERICA
Go crawl elsewhere.
Adam runs around the corner. Barry gets on one knee.
BARRY
Ahhhhh!
Barry fires a round of water at Adam. Adam rolls under the stream and returns fire, soaking Erica’s magazine.
ERICA
What the hell! You are so dead!
ADAM
Geez, I’m so sorry, Erica. I was aiming at Barry.
BARRY
My name is Bambo!
ADAM
As in the John Rambo? Forget it man, you can’t possibly be Stalone.
ERICA
Give me your gun. This nerd has to pay for ruining my magazine.
BARRY
Here, take my backup.
Barry hands her an Entertech bazooka.
ADAM
That’s your backup? How is a bazooka anyone’s backup?
BARRY
To survive a war, you gotta become war.
ADAM
(into walkie talkie)
Come in Sergeant Pops! Sergeant Pops I need your assistance!
Erica shoulders the bazooka.
ERICA
Any last words loser?
ADAM
I’d like to take this moment to say you’re my favorite older sibling.
BARRY
Get him!
INT. ENTRYWAY - DAY
Beverly returns from the Kremp’s house pretending to be hot.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
While I tried to survive my siblings, my mother was trying to survive the scrutiny of my dad.
BEVERLY
Boy is it a scorcher out there. You’re lucky to be inside.
INT. DEN - DAY
Murray struggles to hear Beverly over the fans.
MURRAY
What are you doing outside?
BEVERLY
The Kremp’s house--
MURRAY
What?!
BEVERLY
I said, I was watching the Kremp’s house for them!
Murray momentarily turns off his fans.
MURRAY
You broke into the Kremp’s house, didn’t you?
BEVERLY
Of course I didn’t break in.
MURRAY
So, you happened to walk over to the Kremp’s house and they let you in while they are away on vacation?
BEVERLY
No silly. They left me a spare key, under the bush, in a fake rock, in the backyard. You’d understand if you ever house sat before and didn’t just sit in one.
MURRAY
Okay, I believe--
BEVERLY
Quite frankly I don’t like the assumption that I broke in.
MURRAY
I said I believe you.
BEVERLY
Of course you should.
MURRAY
If you say you didn’t break into our neighbor’s house with a key you found in a fake rock thingy, then you didn’t break in.
BEVERLY
You look parched. Let me get some lemonade for my sweaty man.
MURRAY
And yet somehow you’re still glowing. Why is that?
BEVERLY
Aw, that’s so sweet of you to say, but a lady never tells.
EXT. BACKYARD - LATER
Erica and Barry “Bambo” guard the backyard. Erica’s face is now covered in camo while Barry is head-to-toe in camo.
ERICA
You didn’t need to go full camo.
BARRY
Bambo needs to be invisible to all threats.
ERICA
I can clearly see you.
BARRY
Yes, but the enemy won’t see me.
ADAM (O.S.)
I can see you! We all can see you.
BARRY
Cover me from the left side while I recklessly charge down the middle.
ERICA
There’s no way I’m taking orders from you.
BARRY
You have to, I’m Bambo.
ERICA
I’m not calling you that. As the older sibling, I hold higher rank.
BARRY
As the middle child, I get to wedge in my demands. Now cover me!
ERICA
That doesn’t even make sense.
BARRY
Doesn’t it? Or are you too old to understand what I’m saying?
EXT. FRONT YARD - DAY
Adam and Pops are dressed up like Bill Murray and Harold Ramis from Stripes. They both crouch below the bushes.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
While Erica and Bambo were having their own ranking issues. I was about to have a Smother problem.
POPS
Do we really need to be wearing these things? I’m going to have a heat stroke.
ADAM
Probably wasn’t a good idea to wear heavy canvas during the summer. Here, take my canteen. I’ll scout for a position in the shade.
INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME
Murray watches TV while Beverly reorganizes his fans.
MURRAY
Angle that one a little higher.
(beat)
Ahhh, that’s better.
BEVERLY
Let me close these for you.
As Beverly closes the curtains, she sees two shadowy figures armed with military grade weapons.
MURRAY
I need an ice refill for my back.
BEVERLY
Not now, I need save my babies! Hold on, momma’s coming!
EXT. FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS
Beverly bursts from the entryway and hurls her body at the intruders.
BEVERLY
No one tries to hurt my family!
She swiftly disarms Adam and Pops.
ADAM
Ahhh! Mom what are you doing?!
POPS
Bev are you out of your mind!
BEVERLY
(flustered)
You’re little gun thingies looked so real.
ADAM
I know right? It’s so cool! They don’t feel real, but Entertech nailed the design.
POPS
Why on Earth would you attack us?
BEVERLY
Excuse me for protecting my family.
ADAM
Wouldn’t you want to call the cops if this was a real emergency?
BEVERLY
No, you act first, then call later. Haven’t I taught you anything.
POPS
I don’t think that’s right.
BEVERLY
If it’s for family, then it’s always right.
MURRAY (O.S.)
Beverly!
POPS
Are you sure he doesn’t need you?
BEVERLY
Probably stuck to his chair again.
ADAM
Do you mind not pointing that right at us? It’s kind of loaded.
BEVERLY
Whoops, I forgot I even had them. Here’s your water toys.
ADAM
They’re water gun--
Beverly points a water toy at Adam.
ADAM (CONT’D)
Or toy. It’s all relative to who’s speaking anyway, right?
MURRAY (O.S.)
Beverly!
BEVERLY
For Cripe’s sake, what is it now?!
INT. DEN - DAY
Murray twists in his chair. A rash has formed on his back.
MURRAY
Beverly! What is it?
BEVERLY
I warned you that chair was bad.
MURRAY
My chair would never hurt me.
BEVERLY
Your chair gave you that disgusting rash.
MURRAY
Just help me out.
BEVERLY
I think we have some ointment. Let me go check.
MURRAY
Hurry! I think it’s spreading!
Beverly exits and Pops enters.
POPS
Hey Murr, I heard all the screaming and--oh my, what the hell is that?!
MURRAY
I don’t know. Is it bad?
POPS
I’ve seen some rashes in my day, but nothing like that.
MURRAY
Aren’t you supposed to be playing water pistols with Adam?
POPS
The damned thing ran out of batteries. You’d think a company would be smart enough to make a water gun without batteries.
MURRAY
Maybe they should use a pump.
POPS
Yeah, like that’s practical.
MURRAY
Ahh, this rash is killing me.
(a beat)
Where is she with that ointment?!
POPS
I hate to burst your bubble, but I saw Beverly go across the street.
MURRAY
She left me stranded...
EXT. BACKYARD - DAY
Erica and Barry “Bambo” quietly trace the perimeters of the yard. They give each other conflicting hand gestures.
Adam sneaks behind Erica.
Erica gestures: “Look out for Adam”
Barry, wild eyes, gestures: “Look behind you!”
Adam raises his gun.
Erica gestures: “Look out for Adam!”
Barry gestures: “Look behind you!”
ERICA
I said. Look. Out. For. Adam.
Adam shoots Erica in the back. She lets out a scream.
BARRY
I tried to tell you.
Adam pulls the trigger but his battery dies.
ADAM
Oh balls!
He retreats only to slip into a trap: a Slip ‘n Slide. He goes crashing into the fence.
Barry and Erica stand over their new prisoner of war.
EXT. BACKYARD - DAY - LATER
Adam’s wrist are bound by tape. He receives alternating shots of water from Barry and Erica.
BARRY
Where is the old man?
ADAM
I don’t know.
Another burst of water.
ERICA
Tell us and this will all end.
ADAM
I don’t know. He was tip-toeing again. You know old men and small bladders. He’s probably peeing.
BARRY
Liar!
Barry and Erica fire another shot. Adam is gasping for air.
ADAM
Stop it! Stop it!
He gets up and starts to leave.
BARRY
You can’t leave, you’re our prisoner.
ADAM
Not anymore. All I wanted was to have fun with my brother and sister, but you two went overboard.
ERICA
That’s the price of war.
ADAM
And you. You had to join his side. You two always join sides.
ERICA
That’s not true.
BARRY
It kind of is.
ERICA
Shut up Bambi.
BARRY
It’s Bambo!
ADAM
Enough! This might be our last vacation together and now it’s ruined.
BARRY
What are you talking about, we’ll have plenty of summers together.
ADAM
As if. Both of you are going off to college, and I’ll be the only one left with mom and dad. For once I wanted us be the A-Team, now I see I’m part of no team.
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
EXT. STREET - DAY
Beverly sneaks across the street to the Kremp’s house.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
While I wanted to be a part of a team that summer, my mother was trying to be alone.
INT. KREMP’S ENTRYWAY - DAY
Beverly hurries through the doorway and sighs with relief from the cold air.
BEVERLY
Hmm, what would Murray do?
Beverly removes her shoulder pads and heads for the...
INT. KREMP’S KITCHEN
Beverly grabs lemonade from the refrigerator and walks to...
INT. KREMP’S DEN
...and reclines into a La-Z-Boy chair. She turns on the TV to Julia Child baking desserts.
BEVERLY
Oh Julia, how do you always whip up something so whimsical.
Murray APPEARS behind her.
MURRAY
Probably because she works in a house with air condition.
BEVERLY
(bleeping)
Holy fucking shit, Murr! You scared me half to death!
(a beat)
I was just tidying up the recliner.
MURRAY
Save the theatrics, Bev. I waited for you and now the rash has spread. My chair turned on me!
BEVERLY
Don’t say that about your chair.
MURRAY
My chair was all I had.
BEVERLY
You still have me.
MURRAY
You?! You left to get ointment and never came back.
BEVERLY
Can you blame me? They have AC, Murr. AC! It’s so cold and comfortable over here.
MURRAY
Let me get this straight. You came over here to cool off, relax, and get away from the kids? That’s my vacation. You stole my vacation!
BEVERLY
At least it was a vacation. Every summer we stay home, and you’re always happy doing nothing.
MURRAY
But I like doing nothing! I look forward to every summer sitting in my chair and being surrounded by you and the kids. It’s all I want.
BEVERLY
But I was...
MURRAY
The Kremps return in two days. Enjoy your vacation while it lasts.
INT. DEN - DAY
Murray has resigned to his chair. Erica and Barry come storming in while Adam tails them.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
Between the heat and my mother’s deception, my father was feeling pretty low. Meanwhile, my brother and sister were getting fired up.
BARRY
The Kremps have AC?! Why am I just hearing about this?
MURRAY
Moron, we’re all just hearing about this because I just told you.
ERICA
I say we go over there now.
MURRAY
Let me be with my fans and TV.
BARRY
Fine! Erica, you and I will go.
ADAM
Of course. The both of you leave me out of cold air. I like cold air.
Adam storms off.
BARRY
Hey, we didn’t mean it like that.
MURRAY
What’s his deal?
ERICA
Adam thinks we’re always teaming up against him.
MURRAY
I thought he would’ve figured that out by now.
BARRY
We don’t take each other’s side. If anything, he doesn’t take our side.
ERICA
I’m with Barry. We fight each other all the time. How could we possibly take each other’s side?
MURRAY
You just took each other’s side.
BARRY
Oh man, the Big Guy’s right.
ERICA
C’mon...we need to fix this.
INT. ADAM’S ROOM - DAY
Erica and Barry find Adam reading an A-Team comic on his bed.
BARRY
Hey buddy.
ADAM
Don’t buddy me.
ERICA
Pal--
ADAM
I’m not your pal.
BARRY
Come on, you have to forgive us.
ADAM
You know what, I don’t. Yeah, I’m not forgiving you.
ERICA
We’re family. You have to.
ADAM
(holding back tears)
No I don’t.
BARRY
Are you crying?
ADAM
No! I’ve got sweat in my eyes.
(gets up to leave)
Now...I’m going to angrily walk out of this room and not forgive you.
INT. DEN - MOMENTS LATER
Adam sits in his underpants on the couch. Murray reaches over and turns one of the fans toward Adam.
MURRAY
You’ve been stranded too, huh?
ADAM
Burned by heat and my own family.
MURRAY
Welcome to being a Goldberg.
INT. KREMP’S HOUSE
Beverly washes dishes. Pops wears a parka.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
While I was dejected and sitting in a pool of my own sweat, nothing compared to how my mother felt for deceiving my father.
POPS
Oh my, it feels like a glacier is giving me a million tiny kisses.
BEVERLY
I know, it’s heavenly. It feels like I’m walking on a cool breeze.
POPS
Bev--
BEVERLY
Plus, there’s no arguing...
POPS
Bev--
BEVERLY
I don’t have to ice anyone’s boys.
POPS
Beverly!
(a beat)
It’s not your home. You’re family doesn’t live here.
BEVERLY
That’s the best part!
POPS
Murray is in his chair with a rash the size of Texas. He needs you.
BEVERLY
He would’ve done the same thing if he had known.
POPS
He eventually did find out, but you know what he did? He went back home to his family.
BEVERLY
(tears up)
Ooohh, dad, you’re right. I’m a failure as a mother and a wife.
POPS
You’re not a failure, honey. You just messed up, but you still have time to fix it.
BEVERLY
I abandoned my family on vacation. That’s not right. How can I possibly fix that?
POPS
You know someone pretty smart once told me, “If it’s for family, then it’s always right.”
INT. DEN - Day
Adam records himself watching a Phillies ball game. Murray cracks open a beer, and Adam cracks open a root beer.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
Yep, I hit a low that summer. My youthful glee had melted away into something I never thought possible.
ADAM
(to TV)
C’mon ref. That was a ball.
MURRAY
It’s umpi...ah, never mind.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
Yep, I had become my father.
Erica and Barry carry a fully loaded Entertech water gun.
ERICA
Hey little guy, we want to recruit you for a secret mission.
ADAM
No thanks. I think I’m going to enjoy mine right here.
BARRY
Ad Rock, what’s that on your back?
ADAM
Oh great, now I have a rash! Are you happy? I’m just like Dad!
ERICA
You can’t be like dad. You actually want to spend time with us. Dad only wants to be left alone.
MURRAY
What are you morons going on about?
ERICA
We get it. You’ve told us countless time you don’t like vacations.
MURRAY
Is that what you think? As a kid, your uncle Marvin and I dreamed of having our own vacation. The beach. Camping. A cruise.
BARRY
All very real vacations that we will never see.
MURRAY
All the vacations you kids want are beyond anything I dreamed of. I guess I was afraid any vacation wouldn’t be enough.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
Maybe it was the rash talking, but that summer our dad revealed a side of himself we rarely saw.
ERICA
We don’t care if the vacation sucks. We just want one.
BERRY
As long as your there, the vacation can still suck.
ADAM
What he means is, we want our Clark Griswold no matter where we go.
MURRAY
(smiles)
That stupid movie.
INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME
We REVEAL that Beverly and Pops have been listening to Murray and the kids the whole time.
POPS
See Beverly. He may be stubborn, but you have to admit that he’s doing the best he knows how.
BEVERLY
Come on, I have an idea.
INT. DEN - LATER
Murray and Adam watch TV. Erica and Barry return holding a something behind their back.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
As much I disliked Erica and Barry in that moment, they knew how to apologize.
BARRY
I know you don’t want to talk to us, but we’re really sorry.
ERICA
You don’t have to say anything. Just watch.
ADAM
What’s this?
Erica slides a VHS tape titled “Summer Vacation” in the VCR.
Footage of a younger Goldberg family at the beach plays on the TV. Murray and Beverly stand and watch their kids play.
POPS (ON VIDEO)
Who wants a drink?
BARRY (ON VIDEO)
Adam, help me dig!
ERICA (ON VIDEO)
Hurry, the tide is coming!
A tide of water erodes their castle.
ADAM (ON VIDEO)
Balls! We didn’t make it.
BARRY (ON VIDEO)
Don’t worry Ad Rock, we’ll just build a bigger and better one.
ADAM
You called me Ad-Rock?
BARRY
Because you rock, and we’d never want to take that away from you.
ADAM
You really mean that?
ERICA
You’re our little brother, of course we mean it.
BARRY
Sure you can be annoying at times, but we’ll always be a team.
ADAM
Aw you guys.
Adam walks over and hugs his brother and sister.
ERICA
Maybe lay off the hugs until we have air condition.
INT. DEN - MOMENTS LATER
The fans have been dispersed to blow on each family member. They continue to watch the “Summer Vacation”** **tape.
BEVERLY
There you all are! I have a--
Everyone turns to “shush” her.
MURRAY
C’mon, grab a fan.
BEVERLY
Is this?
MURRAY
Yep, our first summer vacation.
BEVERLY
I almost forgot. How come we never took any after that?
MURRAY (ON VIDEO)
If you morons don’t cut it out, you won’t get another vacation!
BEVERLY
Oh yeah, that’s right.
The home movie finishes.
BEVERLY (CONT’D)
Okay, everyone follow me.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
While we were taking a trip down memory lane, my mother came up with a way to create new memories.
EXT. KREMP’S BACKYARD - MOMENTS LATER
Beverly REVEALS a luminous backyard with lights hanging across the patio.
POPS
Anyone want a drink?
ERICA
When did you have time to do this?
BEVERLY
It wasn’t just me. Your father had a helping hand in this.
BARRY
You did this for us, big guy?
MURRAY
No, your mother--
BEVERLY
While you were playing with your water toys, he decided to bring Jersey Shore to Jenkintown.
Adam rushes over to a patio table.
ADAM
No way! Second edition Transformers?
MURRAY
I guess it is.
BARRY
Is that a surfboard in the pool?
ERICA
A Walkman so I don’t have to listen to anyone. You do get us!
Murray hugs Beverly close.
MURRAY
Thanks, Bev. I owe you one.
BEVERLY
Oh, Murr, I may smother my family with an appropriate amount of love, but you keep us grounded.
Adam grabs his camera and records Barry jumping in the pool.
ERICA
Hey, watch it!
BARRY
Don’t tell me what to do!
Barry splashes Erica, again.
ERICA
You are so dead!
BARRY
C’mon, Ad Rock. Hop on my shoulders, and we can transform into Barr-a-tron.
Adam sets down the camera and jumps into the pool. Murray and Beverly smile and watch their family have fun.
ADULT ADAM (V.O.)
We may not have gotten the vacation we dreamed of, but we certainly got the vacation we always wanted. It isn’t where you go for vacation but who you spend it with. And I can’t think of a better family than mine.
END ACT THREE
TAG
EXT. KREMP'S BACKYARD
Erica, Pops, and Beverly roast marshmallows while Adam and Barry are polishing of their Entertech guns. Murray enters.
MURRAY
Nice weapons. Want to show me?
ADAM
This here’s a Glock 45. I think you can handle that.
MURRAY
So what do I do?
BARRY
You pull the trig-
Murray shoots Barry in the face and giggles.
BARRY (CONT’D)
Hey! Let me finish, you pull the trig-
Murray shoots Barry again and howls in laughter.
Barry shoots back. Adam joins in. Then Erica, Beverly, and Pops join.
FADE OUT.